Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
