I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
