i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
