I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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