I can text with my tongue
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
