I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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