the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
