ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
