jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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