Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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