My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
