My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
