she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
