Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
