The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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