Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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