The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
