i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Randomize
