Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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