Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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