Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
