Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize