your parents love me but you hate me
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
