when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
