I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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