I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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