I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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