i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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