Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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