I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
