I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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