dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize