mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
