sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
