I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
