I hope mine doesn't look like that
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
