are you so shy because you have an std?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
