There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize