she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
