When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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