i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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