I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
