Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
