I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
