Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
All the doctor said was why
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize