Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I wish you could order shots online.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
