yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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