The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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