Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
