my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
