He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Drunk is not a location!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
