it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
