I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
