I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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