i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
