Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize