so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
