Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
