You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
