Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
