if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
