I think i peed on brittanys purse
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
