I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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