Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
