you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
He has the fingertips of a God
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize